I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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