phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
