he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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