A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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