If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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