At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
