OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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