I just saw a hot homeless man
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
