How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I know her cup size but not her name....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
