1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
