I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
