can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
