Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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