Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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