watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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