How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
