Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
