third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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