she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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