Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
