Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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