I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
