I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
