I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
