Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
