Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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