im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
