The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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