Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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