I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
