the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Watching her eat just hurts me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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