someone threw a dead crab at me
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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