my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
