My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
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