dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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