The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
