I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
