i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
