so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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