I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
