She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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