So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
