So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
