I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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