If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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