It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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