Pappa wants mamma naked
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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