Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Randomize
