if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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