omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
