you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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